Okay, so this one will probably be short...I've got little hands home with me today but the tv is babysitting right now so I'm going to try to do a new entry.
I am so tired of feeling like I am living at least two lives simultaneously. I know that everyone feels this way but this week has been one of THOSE weeks...so in keeping with the "what if?" I find myself wondering "what if?" I could actually do something to the best of my ability without the "hands" pulling on me. What if I could be just a teacher, with no responsibilities of my own? What if I could pour myself into my studies and actually spend time doing all the outside reading I always mean to do? What if I could just be "mom" and plan interesting and educational activities for my kids and be super involved in their school work and their lives?
I don't want to sound too maudelin. I'm not wishing any of it away...I just wish that I could really enjoy a part of my life without feeling that gnawing guilt of all the other responsibilities grabbing at me. I want to do it all but can only barely make a dent in any of it...but what if I could do it all as well as I know I could??? Wow, I would be so great then!
(I'm starting to notice a theme in my blog...more time...oh please could I have more time???)
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2 comments:
About six years ago, I had an incredibly good friend who told me, "K., you can't do it all. And you certainly don't have to do it all perfectly. In fact," she told me, "if you try to maintain this pace, you're going to kill yourself!"
Three years after that, I was diagnosed with SLE. My incredibly good friend also turned out to be incredibly wise.
One of the greatest ironies in life is that we often don't take our own advice, eh? ;)
L. and I did an exercise a few weeks ago that was simple (and relatively obvious), but still turned out to be enlightening and empowering. (Janet, get your mind out of the gutter! ;)
We listed our top five priorities: you know, stuff like "family," "security," "health," etc. After that, we listed what things we could do in our lives to emphasize those priorities: we developed a new budget with these five in mind, set up new schedules and routines, and made decisions about our future. Now, each day, I try to make everything I do count in one of those five categories: I work out or eat nutritious foods to fit the "health" category, I buy scuba diving lessons for L.'s birthday (tomorrow) to fit the "adventure" category, I grade papers for the "security" category...and so on.
Interestingly enough, I'm not doing a lot of things differently, but I'm doing all of it with a new sense of purpose--and it makes me feel like I'm moving forward instead of running like a wild woman on a stationary mouse wheel. It's my new philosophy on life: live with purpose. Decide what things matter most to you, and pursue them passionately...but with realistic and achievable goals in mind.
Right now, you're trying to do more than can be reasonably expected from one human being. I once read an interview with a very old woman who was giving advice to very young women about how to live their lives meaningfully and well. She said that the one thing she'd learned is that we can each only do three things really well. As soon as it becomes four, the quality starts to suffer for everything, and then we feel frustrated and unhappy.
Busy mom, graduate student, military spouse, aspiring writer, worried daughter, committed teacher, caring friend, potential employee...hmmm, I wonder what the problem is? ;)
Lisa, I so understand. I wish I could go to Sam's Club and buy the family sized tub of Time.
I went to a little seminar on getting organized this week. She pointed out that even the smallest things can be time-stealers, and I quickly hauled out my notepad and began taking notes. Bought her books, too--not that I, DUH!, have time to read them....
But she also said something that ties in with what Kacie said: that the sense of accomplishment is very important, so she recommends that you do something you can consider an accomplishment each day.
Not that I've done anything accomplishment-worthy today, but the evening's young. Who knows? I may get wild and, yes, go to the grocery store!
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